Saturday, February 15, 201411:40 PM
■ my life so far
Hello blog,
Its been a long time since I updated you. So many things happened since then.
The transition between 2013 and 2014 was horrible for me. I think it's safe to say it was the worst period of my 22 years so far. It was so horrible that I broke down infront of my friend regardless of how much I held back; so horrible that I started putting blames on others for my life; so horrible that I had suicidal thoughts (but of course, I don't have the guts to do it lah).
Horrible things decide to start stacking up right after. That incident, can't find a job, people pressuring me to find a job (not like I don't want right?) I kept telling myself the worse will be over, and what doesn't kill me will make me stronger (boss' ringtone kept telling me so). It was a period of self-psychoing, only that it didn't help as much.
But now that it's almost solved (I guess? I don't want to ask too), and my pms is over, I sat down and think....... I think I matured a little? I grew up a little? I used to not be able to keep my emotions to myself, but now I can at least do so a bit better. I could still joke with my colleagues at work, at least they didn't suspect anything was wrong 'cept for that 1 day.
I am very thankful for all the friends I have in my life; everyone was there for me. I am sorry I really didn't want to share my problems with you because it's really personal; I hope you understand. Thank you. & I love you.
So I went Korea again, this being my 6th time there. It was a #YOLO trip, I was all alone most of the time. I stayed at Ayu's house together with Kea. Although there were hiccups here and there, but I am thankful for this trip. I can proudly say I have traveled alone, it was a whole new experience.
I was there for The Three Musketeers musical that Sungmin was in. He was amazing as usual. ♥ Idk if that's the last time I will see him before he enlist :( I will wait for you!!!!
Its been a long time since I updated you. So many things happened since then.
The transition between 2013 and 2014 was horrible for me. I think it's safe to say it was the worst period of my 22 years so far. It was so horrible that I broke down infront of my friend regardless of how much I held back; so horrible that I started putting blames on others for my life; so horrible that I had suicidal thoughts (but of course, I don't have the guts to do it lah).
Horrible things decide to start stacking up right after. That incident, can't find a job, people pressuring me to find a job (not like I don't want right?) I kept telling myself the worse will be over, and what doesn't kill me will make me stronger (boss' ringtone kept telling me so). It was a period of self-psychoing, only that it didn't help as much.
But now that it's almost solved (I guess? I don't want to ask too), and my pms is over, I sat down and think....... I think I matured a little? I grew up a little? I used to not be able to keep my emotions to myself, but now I can at least do so a bit better. I could still joke with my colleagues at work, at least they didn't suspect anything was wrong 'cept for that 1 day.
I am very thankful for all the friends I have in my life; everyone was there for me. I am sorry I really didn't want to share my problems with you because it's really personal; I hope you understand. Thank you. & I love you.
So I went Korea again, this being my 6th time there. It was a #YOLO trip, I was all alone most of the time. I stayed at Ayu's house together with Kea. Although there were hiccups here and there, but I am thankful for this trip. I can proudly say I have traveled alone, it was a whole new experience.
I was there for The Three Musketeers musical that Sungmin was in. He was amazing as usual. ♥ Idk if that's the last time I will see him before he enlist :( I will wait for you!!!!
Monday, September 16, 20133:42 AM
■ Pet Peeve
I have been controlling my temper very well, the most I would do is to throw a small tantrum and forget about it. But, people seems to want to test my patience even more.
When people don't respond to my Whatsapp in the past, I get upset even if I wasn't asking a question.
Then, I went on to giving people the freedom to at the very least reply me if I was asking a question.
And then I realised it was still too much to ask from them, so I set my limit to the very minimum; at least reply me if the question was urgent.
Yes, I really do not get angry anymore when people don't reply me unless it's really pretty urgent. But people still takes it for granted.
Same goes to my daily life, I close 1 eye most of the times, unless I am pmsing.
But what I really hate is when people put blames on me or accuse me of something when I am not at fault/ guilty of. This is just 1 big fucking problem I have since I was young. It is 1 thing I can never change or lower my standard for. I can close 1 eye for many other things, just not this. I get very upset when people do so. When you start judging me, that's it. Really. It's the very last straw despite all the good things you might have done for me before. I appreciate all your thoughts and efforts, but when you start accusing me or judging me, I am sorry, that's it. Even if it was not on purpose.
You might think I am super petty, but is there no one thing that can get in your nerve regardless? If you don't, then good for you. You are not born with a character like mine (which is good, really).
Sometimes I really wish I can be like my friends, don't give a damn about other people's opinions or words. Like they live for themselves, and don't feel a need to justify for themselves cos they are not bothered by the external. I am really envious of them, because I just can't.
When people don't respond to my Whatsapp in the past, I get upset even if I wasn't asking a question.
Then, I went on to giving people the freedom to at the very least reply me if I was asking a question.
And then I realised it was still too much to ask from them, so I set my limit to the very minimum; at least reply me if the question was urgent.
Yes, I really do not get angry anymore when people don't reply me unless it's really pretty urgent. But people still takes it for granted.
Same goes to my daily life, I close 1 eye most of the times, unless I am pmsing.
But what I really hate is when people put blames on me or accuse me of something when I am not at fault/ guilty of. This is just 1 big fucking problem I have since I was young. It is 1 thing I can never change or lower my standard for. I can close 1 eye for many other things, just not this. I get very upset when people do so. When you start judging me, that's it. Really. It's the very last straw despite all the good things you might have done for me before. I appreciate all your thoughts and efforts, but when you start accusing me or judging me, I am sorry, that's it. Even if it was not on purpose.
You might think I am super petty, but is there no one thing that can get in your nerve regardless? If you don't, then good for you. You are not born with a character like mine (which is good, really).
Sometimes I really wish I can be like my friends, don't give a damn about other people's opinions or words. Like they live for themselves, and don't feel a need to justify for themselves cos they are not bothered by the external. I am really envious of them, because I just can't.
Thursday, August 29, 201311:01 PM
■ Rockin' on Heaven's Door
Just watched Rockin' on Heaven's Door with B1 today after submitting out last assignment for the Part I of the semester. To relieve the stress we had earlier in the day.
It was a nice movie in general, and I overestimated myself again thinking I can control my emotions.
This movie teaches us something that is so valuable yet always easily forgotten. In this fast paced life we live in, who often remembers to learn how to appreciate the people around you, or even listen to themselves what do they really want in their lives? Have we often ignored other people's feeling just because we're tired after a day of work and/or studies? I am, I am guilty as charged.
We are so fast that we only care about the destination but not the process. We care only the results, but not the way we do things. And because of people's expectation of us, we often forget ourselves, what we really want. & sometimes, we may even not have the chance or even dare to think of it.
I come from a family who follows the norm, don't do anything that doesn't feed us well, don't even think of our own dream/ passion. Except for this one aunt who do what she wants. All my relatives told me not to take up Marketing course because it's not a stable career, hard to find job in future etc etc. But I am glad I did not heed their advice because I have no dream to work so high up in the corporation like them. I have no dream to attain further education in Harvard or Cambridge like them. Yes of course, all these will assure me of a job in a better company with better pay & benefits etc, but............. do I really want to lose my life for these? All they do is work, work and more work. (if they can enjoy at the same time, then good for them. I'm sure I can't if I was in their position) I think I will be happy in an average company with average pay, really. & tbh, I don't think companies like Google care for that much of certifications if you don't have what it takes in you. (i'm not saying that I've, but if Google is a company I really want to work in, I will definitely give it my all and break through myself to do things I don't like or even fear of like doing presentations etc) & imo Google is probably the best company I would want to work in.
Sometimes, we just have to slow down a little while, appreciate the things around us, cherish them before it is too late. & when we're still young, do things that you like or want (but not at the expense of your future or assets - strike a balance between your dream and reality). & Say thank you, sorry and I love you.
It was a nice movie in general, and I overestimated myself again thinking I can control my emotions.
This movie teaches us something that is so valuable yet always easily forgotten. In this fast paced life we live in, who often remembers to learn how to appreciate the people around you, or even listen to themselves what do they really want in their lives? Have we often ignored other people's feeling just because we're tired after a day of work and/or studies? I am, I am guilty as charged.
We are so fast that we only care about the destination but not the process. We care only the results, but not the way we do things. And because of people's expectation of us, we often forget ourselves, what we really want. & sometimes, we may even not have the chance or even dare to think of it.
I come from a family who follows the norm, don't do anything that doesn't feed us well, don't even think of our own dream/ passion. Except for this one aunt who do what she wants. All my relatives told me not to take up Marketing course because it's not a stable career, hard to find job in future etc etc. But I am glad I did not heed their advice because I have no dream to work so high up in the corporation like them. I have no dream to attain further education in Harvard or Cambridge like them. Yes of course, all these will assure me of a job in a better company with better pay & benefits etc, but............. do I really want to lose my life for these? All they do is work, work and more work. (if they can enjoy at the same time, then good for them. I'm sure I can't if I was in their position) I think I will be happy in an average company with average pay, really. & tbh, I don't think companies like Google care for that much of certifications if you don't have what it takes in you. (i'm not saying that I've, but if Google is a company I really want to work in, I will definitely give it my all and break through myself to do things I don't like or even fear of like doing presentations etc) & imo Google is probably the best company I would want to work in.
Sometimes, we just have to slow down a little while, appreciate the things around us, cherish them before it is too late. & when we're still young, do things that you like or want (but not at the expense of your future or assets - strike a balance between your dream and reality). & Say thank you, sorry and I love you.
Friday, August 23, 201312:19 PM
■ Nightmare
Had a nightmare last night. Not exactly a nightmare but more of something I dont look forward to.
In my dream, I was all alone among all the couples in my clique.
Sigh, where did those few Singles in my clique went? :( Or were they too attached in my dream?
Maybe..........
In my dream, I was all alone among all the couples in my clique.
Sigh, where did those few Singles in my clique went? :( Or were they too attached in my dream?
Maybe..........
Sunday, August 11, 20139:57 PM
■ Reflection
The other day I watched the 9pm channel 8 show, and there is this lady in the drama that craved for love so bad. She is portrayed as an 'easy' girl as she is very approachable towards guys and all. But through a few events, she eventually couldn't get the guy she wants and ultimately got misunderstood by him. When her best friend finally advised her and she finally saw the light, she said this is the show:
“先爱我自己，照顾我自己”
It got me down to thinking, do I really need a boyf? I am happy by my own now, I don't have to live my life for someone else. I can be myself. I don't have to put on a facade. I barely have time to complete all the things I want to do now, do I even have time for myself if I really got myself a boyf?
I was reflecting back the other day, I realised that I am actually afraid to open myself up. Despite how much I want another shoulder to lean on when I am tired, I repulse the idea of having one even more. Maybe because I refuse to let go of the person who tugged on my heart string, or it might be because of the commitment I have to put in. I was also afraid I am not the kind of girlf the guy wants.
I mean, I am a boring person to hang out with; I often to a full stop to conversations that can actually be continued; I am too serious to even talk about happy things; And, I am too obsessed with my idols. Which guy can accept his girlf to be cray over her idols that she go to the extend of going overseas to see him; spazzing like a cray fangirl even when all he did was to smile at her; and even missing him so much that she so tempted to do all the crazy things like going to Korea again etc?
I am willing to tone down all these if I really found my Mr Right (or him). But......... the moment I took my first step out of Singapore to watch Ming's musical, can I really stop/ tone down that easily? I really ask myself.
My friend said that she feels being in a relationship doesn't mean I've to give up on my idols. But........ no guys like it regardless of how gentlemanly he is. Its like how I don't like my guy to look at a pretty lady.
Mehhhhhh, idk. I am so ironic.
“先爱我自己，照顾我自己”
It got me down to thinking, do I really need a boyf? I am happy by my own now, I don't have to live my life for someone else. I can be myself. I don't have to put on a facade. I barely have time to complete all the things I want to do now, do I even have time for myself if I really got myself a boyf?
I was reflecting back the other day, I realised that I am actually afraid to open myself up. Despite how much I want another shoulder to lean on when I am tired, I repulse the idea of having one even more. Maybe because I refuse to let go of the person who tugged on my heart string, or it might be because of the commitment I have to put in. I was also afraid I am not the kind of girlf the guy wants.
I mean, I am a boring person to hang out with; I often to a full stop to conversations that can actually be continued; I am too serious to even talk about happy things; And, I am too obsessed with my idols. Which guy can accept his girlf to be cray over her idols that she go to the extend of going overseas to see him; spazzing like a cray fangirl even when all he did was to smile at her; and even missing him so much that she so tempted to do all the crazy things like going to Korea again etc?
I am willing to tone down all these if I really found my Mr Right (or him). But......... the moment I took my first step out of Singapore to watch Ming's musical, can I really stop/ tone down that easily? I really ask myself.
My friend said that she feels being in a relationship doesn't mean I've to give up on my idols. But........ no guys like it regardless of how gentlemanly he is. Its like how I don't like my guy to look at a pretty lady.
Mehhhhhh, idk. I am so ironic.
Sunday, July 7, 20132:48 AM
■ Sungmin ♥
Delusional/hallucination moments:
- Sungmin was doing gwiyomi, and then they started calling him 엉미니
- Then Hyuk asked Ming to do 8+8 as well
- When I showed Ming "Thank you for portraying Daniel so professionally", he nodded and smiled.
- cy said Ming nodded at "Sungmin oppa, believe in yourself" as well.
- Ming said there were SG fans who went for his musical as well, and sent him letters. (does he remember me or he inferred it from the 'Daniel' message? XD)
- Sungmin was doing gwiyomi, and then they started calling him 엉미니
- Then Hyuk asked Ming to do 8+8 as well
- When I showed Ming "Thank you for portraying Daniel so professionally", he nodded and smiled.
- cy said Ming nodded at "Sungmin oppa, believe in yourself" as well.
- Ming said there were SG fans who went for his musical as well, and sent him letters. (does he remember me or he inferred it from the 'Daniel' message? XD)
Sunday, April 14, 201312:48 AM
■
I hate going out with couples.
When you see them all lovey dovey, you start to think: where's mine?
Although you might feel happy for the couple, but when you see the girlf so happy with the boyf's effort, you still tend to think where's mine?
What am I lacking? Why are you not giving me a chance? What should I do?
And when I say I should stop talking, Celia, please do what you mean to. Just, stop talking. When I want to talk, no one listens. When they do, either I say the wrong thing and make someone upset or I am just saying something stupid to them. So Celia, really. Just stop talking. You survived not talking to anyone for 12 years, you can do the same still.
When can I stop making mistakes? When something is entrusted to me, yet I can't do it well. Celia, what can you do well? What?
I really lost count how many times I cried this year, lost count of how many times I used my tears to wash my face to sleep.
I really dk why can't I be like any other people, all smart and full of common sense. Where's mine? Why am I born stupid? Why?
We used to be so close, going out together, studying together, going to school together. Now it's all different. You moved on. Me too, but.. I've so many things I want to tell you but it's ain't appropriate anymore.
What am I living for? I am just....feeding myself and looking forward to the day I die. I am better off dead, isn't it?
I really dk what to do when Sungmin really enlist to the army. He's my only endorphin. I just can't.......... and what if my grandma leaves me? Since I was 5, I've been thinking about this and all I can do is cry. I really cannot do without my grandma. She's more important to me, even more than my parents.
Why the fuck am I so weak? Why?
When you see them all lovey dovey, you start to think: where's mine?
Although you might feel happy for the couple, but when you see the girlf so happy with the boyf's effort, you still tend to think where's mine?
What am I lacking? Why are you not giving me a chance? What should I do?
And when I say I should stop talking, Celia, please do what you mean to. Just, stop talking. When I want to talk, no one listens. When they do, either I say the wrong thing and make someone upset or I am just saying something stupid to them. So Celia, really. Just stop talking. You survived not talking to anyone for 12 years, you can do the same still.
When can I stop making mistakes? When something is entrusted to me, yet I can't do it well. Celia, what can you do well? What?
I really lost count how many times I cried this year, lost count of how many times I used my tears to wash my face to sleep.
I really dk why can't I be like any other people, all smart and full of common sense. Where's mine? Why am I born stupid? Why?
We used to be so close, going out together, studying together, going to school together. Now it's all different. You moved on. Me too, but.. I've so many things I want to tell you but it's ain't appropriate anymore.
What am I living for? I am just....feeding myself and looking forward to the day I die. I am better off dead, isn't it?
I really dk what to do when Sungmin really enlist to the army. He's my only endorphin. I just can't.......... and what if my grandma leaves me? Since I was 5, I've been thinking about this and all I can do is cry. I really cannot do without my grandma. She's more important to me, even more than my parents.
Why the fuck am I so weak? Why?
